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How Cosmo Got Orgasms All Wrong


by Amelia Krysztofiak February 04, 2014 0 Comments

It is a woman’s sole right to have an orgasm - spoke up feminists defending sexual revolution half a century ago. Although looking at the contemporary sex advice columns you may start to believe that it is a woman’s obligation to have an orgasm.

Take any Cosmopolitan. It’s full of advice on how to improve sex by more frequent and intense orgasms. Depending on the target group these tips vary from purely physiological (Kegel muscle exercises, G point stimulation), to psychological (get to know yourself, talk to your partner) to metaphysical (meditatation). On the other side Men’s Health columnist asks How to make Her come? Apparently you can make your woman come in just under 15 min. Isn’t it fantastic? Logically we live in the world where men are made to pleasure women. Sorry guys.

Now imagine the situation: you’re a sexually active woman but you notice that you don’t always come during quite successful sex. The magazines say you should. You ask yourself Am I normal? What’s wrong with me? At the same time your partner wonders why you don’t experience orgasms. After all they say women are orgasmabeasts who can have multiple orgasms. He asks himself a question Am I trying good enough? What’s wrong with me? This is an instant frustration trigger.

Nothing’s wrong with you!

I’m honestly tired of people telling me that as a woman I should enjoy sex the same way men do - through an orgasm. The culture that talks about sexuality either in the vulgar pornographical way or in a medical jargon, makes us reflect less on our sexuality and just repeats itself with the ready-to-go advice - the masturbation. I’m sorry to say that, but masturbation seems to me just an ersatz of a sexual intercourse. It’s not the same, you know.

When it comes to sexuality I always considered myself an open-minded person. I was brought up to be conscious how human body works. I was happy to have a great mom who told me when I was five, that you don’t make babies only by hugging each other very hard. I also was very happy to have an older sister who would leave by the side of my bed her copy of Sex for Dummies Illustrated when I was twelve. Sex was never a taboo subject at home.

Being an emancipated young women I started to look for more answers in the serious, scientific books. One of my favorites is Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach who I really admire for writing about sex with humor and wit. Evolutionary biologist tend to support the thesis that everything that goes on in our body during intimate contact - not only physical symptoms, but also less tangible emotions - result from chemical reactions triggered by the nervous system and the strongest trigger is of course an orgasm. No wonder why science advises to focus on reaching orgasms in order to have better sex.

The Quest of the Holy Orgasm occupies sexuologists since Freud stated that women also have their sexual needs.

In the early 20s princess Marie Bonaparte having troubles with achieving an orgasm herself, measured over 200 women’s vaginas and came up with the conclusion that the bigger the distance between the clitoris and the vulva, the harder it is to climax. She measured also herself and decided to get her clitoris surgically moved closer to the vulva. Guess what - it didn’t work! Clearly she was looking for a rational scientific explanation of the problem she had. Or maybe she just didn’t realize that this was more of a social issue than her individual physical inability?

I’m sure you agree that an orgasm is not a sine qua non condition for the love fireworks.

I had very different sexual experiences - some more satisfying, some more disappointing, but I’m still looking for new ways to express my feelings intimately. For sure the best sex I had included mutual chemistry, a lot of intense feelings and the sensation of the metaphysical connection.

I believe that the key-ingredient of a mind-blowing intercourse is not an orgasm. It doesn’t matter how many tricks your partner can perform or what is the geography of your vagina. What really matters is the satisfaction you get. Whether you enjoy oral stimulation or clitoral stimulation or both at the same time, or you like neotantra, or you enjoy when your partner enjoys - it’s up to you! The person who knows you the best is actually you. Don’t let any Carrie Bradshaw wannabe tell you what you should do or feel in bed.

Just enjoy the magic!




Amelia Krysztofiak
Amelia Krysztofiak

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